9 times stock photos were totally useless

Whenever I write a blog post, I like to finish it up by choosing what I hope is a relevant photo.

I use a stock image site for these images. Basically, I type a word or phrase into the search box and wait for the shenanigans to begin. Because stock photos can be pretty damn ridiculous.

For your viewing pleasure, here is a collection of phrases I’ve searched, and photos that have popped up. (To see the images I actually chose, click post links.)

1. Friendly Colleague

For my post “Is it Possible to Be Too Friendly with Customers?” I wanted a picture of someone being,  you know, too friendly. So I searched a number of terms with the word “friendly” in it, including “friendly colleague.” One of the images that popped up was this one:

The caption for this image reads, “Happy office worker clutching two large binders and looking back over her shoulder at a colleague off frame with a beaming friendly smile.”

I think it should actually read, “Claire distracts her co-workers with muffins and cupcakes while mining their personnel files for secrets, which she posts anonymously on her Tumblr.”

 2. Job Seeker

For a post I wrote about using a personal website to help land a job, I did a search for “job seeker.” This is the image I was presented with:

The description of this image couldn’t be more apt: “Bizarre Man sleeps in a waiting room chair.”

But I probably would have gone with, “Unaccustomed to rising before 11, Brolin falls asleep waiting for his interview to begin, clutching his “portfolio” — the scrapbook his mom made containing the participation ribbons he received in high school.”

3. Steal Ideas

For a post I wrote titled, “Steal Ideas From Your Competitors’ Emails,” I tried many search terms, mostly because the initial phrase I tried, “steal ideas,” produced this:

Kind of hard to tell, but those are meant to be light bulbs in the box. Light bulbs are of course the symbol for ideas, so this person (who is wearing a very classy gold chain for a bracelet) is stealing ideas. Get it?

It looks more like he’s stealing the briefcase containing Marsellus Wallace’s soul, so I passed on this one.

4. Woman's Desk

For the post, “What Professional Women Should Actually Keep At Their Desks”, I searched for “woman’s desk.”

I expected all manner of sexist tomfoolery but was pleasantly surprised.

Just kidding.

Nothing to see here, folks. Just the usual “women belong in the kitchen” bullshit. Carry on.

5. Marketing Tools

For “Five Marketing Tools You Should Be Using,” I searched for — wait for it — “marketing tools.”

Among the 10,000 images of the word “marketing” in a toolbox, there was this gem:

“We welcome our alien overlords, and can’t wait to help them build their email lists.”

General Crap Photos

Sometimes I just need a friendly face for an ad I’m running, so I search for something general like “smiling woman” or “man with laptop.” The results never disappoint.

6. Smiling Woman

“Ted doesn’t know I’ve replaced his Viagra with Tic-Tacs.”

7. Professional Woman

To be fair, I didn’t specify which profession.

8. Man with Laptop

That high and tight haircut is really selling the laid-back vibe, bro.

There’s no way he’s got wifi in that tree.

9. Happy Man

So face! Much range. Wait, is this the light bulb stealer? I think I recognize that gold chain bracelet in the middle photo on the bottom of this Very Brady collage.

And that’s the fun of stock photos: trying to find images that make sense with the post, that aren’t completely useless (or that aren’t all white faces — good luck with that one).