Hey, you. Yeah, you. Your Twitter account sucks. Like, seriously.

Wait, is this news to you? I’m sorry. I know you’re following all the Twitter “rules” spouted by social media experts. But guess what? Their Twitter accounts kinda suck, too.

Here are five reasons why your business Twitter account is like Jean-Ralphio’s sister, aka the absolute wooooorrrrrst, and how to fix them.

1. Inspirational quotes

Somewhere along the way, someone decided that inspirational quotes were the way to followers’ hearts, and now you can’t go thirty seconds without reading some sappy motivational quote attributed (sometimes incorrectly) to the great thinkers of our time, usually Abraham Lincoln, Gandhi or (ahem) Marilyn Monroe.

These quotes have become the equivalent of those dorky motivational posters you see in H.R. departments that haven’t been redecorated since the late 80s. You know the ones.

There is a place for motivation in business, and maybe even motivational quotes. But if you’re posting them every hour on the hour because you think it will make people follow you, stahp it. We see what you’re doing.

The Fix: If you are truly motivated by a quote, by all means, Tweet it. If not, don’t. Simples.

2. Hashtag abuse

Using hashtags is a great way to get your Tweets seen by people who don’t follow you. Abusing hashtags is a great way to get everyone you know to hate you.

What’s the difference? Adding a hashtag like “#socialmedia” on a Tweet about, you know, social media, allows people searching for that topic to come across your Tweet. It’s a smart and savvy use of the practice.

What’s neither smart nor savvy is using hashtags to make little asides on Tweets. You know what I mean:

thisisseriouslyannoying #stopit #everyonehatesyou #anyonewhohashtagsentiresentencesneedstohavetwitterprivilegesrevoked

It’s cute when Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake hashtag everything, but you, friend, are no Jimtin Falberlake.

The Fix: Stick to two or three hashtags at the most, and make sure they’re relevant and not an annoyingly unreadable string of letters.

For more on how to use hashtags and not look like an idiot, check out this very helpful post.

3. Unnecessary Retweets

Like inspirational quotes and hashtags, Retweets (or RTs) can be overused.

If you come across a Tweet that you think would be of use to your followers, you should definitely Retweet that sucker. But if you’re Retweeting every little thing, or every single time someone mentions you on Twitter, you’re RTing too damn much, and I (and others) will turn off your Retweets.

Oh, you didn’t know you can turn off other people’s Retweets? You can, and you should.

The Fix: Simply go to that person’s profile, click on the settings wheel, then click “Turn off Retweets” on the dropdown menu.

And if you, friend, are that overenthusiastic RTer, stop and re-evaluate your whole life. Or your RTing policy, at least.

4. Over-Tweeting

Is there such a thing as Tweeting too much? YES. [Tweet this quote]

Look at your Tweets. If there are mere minutes separating each of your Tweets, you are Tweeting too much.

Now, maybe you think you have a lot to say. If you do, then Tweeting is not the medium for you. Get yourself a blog, or a therapist, and let loose.

The Fix: Slow it down, hotshot. A benefit to Tweeting less frequently during the day is increasing the likelihood you’ll be Retweeted.

Track Social did a study and found that the optimal number of Tweets for a business is 2-5 times per day. After 5 tweets, there’s a drop off in the number of RTs per tweet.

So think quality over quantity, and make each Tweet count.

5. Tweet dumping

Almost as bad as over-Tweeting is the Tweet dump, which is as yucky as it sounds.

The Tweet dump is when someone lets loose a bunch of Tweets at once instead of spacing them out over a period of time. So, instead of seeing Tweets from different people, your timeline is cluttered with the ramblings of one solitary lunatic.

The Fix: Spread your Tweets out, yo. Learn how to use Hootsuite or something similar to schedule your Tweets throughout the day.

Also, pay attention to time zones. If a bunch of your followers are in another part of the world, consider scheduling Tweets when you know they’re up and doing business.

Everything in moderation

Like fat, sugar, alcohol and reality television, Tweeting is best done in moderation. There really is no perfect formula, it’s a matter of finding out what works for you.

If you avoid doing the above five things, though, you’ll definitely be ahead of the pack. For more great Twitter tips, check out my social media board on Pinterest.